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Me Too!

10/18/2017

So unless you’ve been living under a rock for the last week or so (or just not on social media), you’ve noticed the numerous “ME TOO” statuses flooding FB and twitter. While I understood the general concept (to bring awareness to sexual assault and abuse), I had no idea where it came from and what prompted it. So like any curious person who wants information, I Googled it…lol. Well needless to say, I am all too familiar with aspects of sexual assault/abuse both professionally and personally. What is most baffling, however, is not the sheer number of individuals updating their status on FB and twitter to stand in solidarity with others, but the idea that people, victims, survivors, are still made to feel ashamed of having been assaulted or abused by another person. Victim blaming still very much occurs, and it happens in every type of social interaction you can fathom. It happens when victims take the stand in a courtroom, it happens through the media, it happens through social media, it happens in every community, it happens in schools, it happens in churches and other religious institutions, it happens in families, and it happens amongst friends. Don’t pretend like you haven’t heard/seen this happening. We’ve all read a newsfeed that talks about the victim’s past relationships or sexual interactions. We’ve read the comments of people discussing the victims clothing (or lack thereof). We’ve heard comments speaking about a person’s choice to consume alcohol or drugs. More recently, we’ve heard individuals discussing how long it took someone to speak up. You may even be one of those individuals who have made the comments or had the thoughts. My question…that has yet to have ever been answered…is why does any of that matter? A person’s choice to dress a certain way does not give free pass for another person to not be able to 1) demonstrate self control 2) disregard personal boundaries 3) force themselves on another individual and/or 4) make ignorant, inappropriate, and/or insulting comments. A person’s sexual past and relationship history is not an automatic “green light” to engage in sexual acts with another individual nor does it negate that person’s right to say NO! While public schools are busy giving out dress codes that can make catholic school look lax, how about we also include rules on what TRUE CONSENT actually is and what self-control looks like. Don’t get me wrong, I whole-heartedly agree with the need for a dress code because otherwise the hallways would rival a Victoria Secret and Calvin Klein underwear fashion show (because apparently clothing that actually leaves something to the imagination is old fashioned). However, though I don’t necessarily agree with what is worn, it does not equal consent to assault, abuse, or harass. The answer to why it took so long to be reported is the very purpose of the post…because of shame and fear! What people are doing when they resort to victim shaming, is giving a pass to the person who is truly to blame…THE ABUSER! I believe the statistics are something like 1 in 6 women and 1 in 33 men are sexually abused (according to RAINN). That number is DISGUSTING and NOT because of the victims! While everyone in this country is busy fighting amongst each other about the current political climate, I would surely hope you all would take a moment and look in the mirror and figure out how we address this problem together. How can we make it so that more people speak up when this happens? How can we be sure that the abusers aren’t allowed to roam freely to re-offend? How can we begin to shift the narrative from victim blaming to offender blaming? How can we ensure that the victims receive the services they need to heal? How can we as a country begin to grow a conscience and place the humanity back in the human race? My personal opinion is that the first step is to STOP making excuses for the offender, and STOP searching for a reason to blame the victim. What are your thoughts/suggestions?

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Destroy Your Box

10/18/2017

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There are so many struggles that we all have when it comes time to make those hard decisions. You know which ones I’m referring to. The one that would require you to separate from your normal group in order to press forward and achieve your goals. Maybe you’re like many individuals who fight hard to maintain their friendships, relationships, and even relationships with family members in effort to not “seem fake” or act like you’re “too good”. The problem with that line of thought is that it is often prescribed to you by those who don’t share your vision, drive, or desire to improve.

My pastor, Dr. Bradley of Mountain of Blessings Christian Center, is currently teaching (and yes I mean teaching and not preaching) a series he titles “Overcoming Slave Mentality”. A great series and I encourage all to go to the website and listen to the archives…you WON’T be disappointed. Anyway, one recurring theme in this series is the idea of boxes and allowing society, our peers, and our families to “box” us in and keep us in a designated box. You may be the one allowing yourself to be boxed in. How many of us when in elementary school were asked what we wanted to do/be when we got older? How many of us can even remember what it was we chose? Possibly a police officer, a doctor, an astronaut, a dancer, a princess, a lawyer, etc. This was back when we were young enough to dream and maintained that innocence to not allow others to crush our dreams. Why is it, then, that some of us never achieve our dreams? What happened along the way? Did we simply achieve another dream, or did we let go of our dreams altogether?

It is time to take a step back and truly think about the answer to that question. Even if you have achieved your dream, what were some of your barriers along the way? Dr. Bradley spoke about being influenced by those we interact with. In the world of psychology, that theory is called Symbolic Interactionism first coined by Herbert Blumer. There are three basic premises to this theory: 1) we, as people, respond to situations based on the meaning we ascribe to the situation 2) this meaning comes from interactions we have with others 3) the meaning is often interpreted based on social experiences. Essentially, the theory is stating that while we all may believe that we are individual thinkers, our thinking is, in fact, shaped by our interactions and experiences.
Now that all the philosophy, theory, psychology (blah, blah, blah) is explained, let’s now talk about how it relates and what we can do to improve. We were once young, innocent children with dreams of being somebody. What happened along the way? Did we allow others to influence our decisions? Did we allow friends and/or family to influence what we became? Did we allow these same individuals to make us believe that we don’t deserve to be better? Did we fall into quicksand and no matter how much we fought to achieve, it feels like we’re fighting a losing battle? Are we afraid to tell our best friend that while we love them, we’re unhappy in this same situation, and in order to be where we want to be in life we need to move? Are we allowing our parents to control our every move in life even though we’re adults? Are we too busy trying to “fit in” because standing out is scary? Are we too afraid to achieve our dreams, or, better yet, too afraid to FAIL? Well here are some suggestions that can be used to help you overcome the self-doubt, overcome the self-imposed barriers, overcome the fears, and destroy your box.

AFFIRMATIONS: An affirmation, as defined by Merriam-Webster dictionary, is “a positive assertion”. In other words, they are words of encouragement. This is extremely important. Self-doubt kills more dreams than anything else. Too afraid to achieve and too comfortable where you are. You may fear the unknown, and while that is normal, it stunts your growth. The best way to fight the self-doubt and the fear, is to begin by writing affirmations to YOURSELF! YES, YOURSELF! Don’t look to others to validate you because you very well may be disappointed in their response. Find some scrap paper, some old receipts, some sticky notes or WHATEVER, and begin jotting down affirmations. Put them everywhere you could ever be. They can go in your car, in your room, in the kitchen, at your desk, on your mirror, in the bathroom, and anywhere else you can think of. Flood your environment with affirmations because this is how we begin to change our thinking. The self-doubt begins to lessen as the self-confidence begins to increase. Speak these affirmations daily. We need to speak them into existence If we speak it, we believe it, and if we believe it, we can achieve it! The first step in the process is to change the way you think. You’ll never take any of the other steps unless you first begin to change your own thought processes. Stop allowing outside influences and influencers to keep you from achieving your dreams!
VISION BOARDS: Go get you some poster board and any other art supplies you’d like in order to make it fancy. Go pick up some magazines and/or print pics/words from the internet. Other ways to make it happen is through the digital world. Practically everyone is walking around with a smart phone. There are apps you can download in order to create a vision board, or you can create them online using sites like Pinterest or Dream It Alive. I’m all for the digital world, however, there is something unique, more personable, and more determined about physically creating it with all of the materials you can think of. Either way, choose your mode and make it happen! The reason why making a vision board is sooo important is because it makes it real. We are fighting for our dreams…fighting to achieve our goals! We can’t fight what we can’t face. Make it real because we can only achieve what we can see. Make it visible! Take it with you so that you know what you’re working toward every step of the way.
KEEP QUIET: Yes, I know I’ve been going on and on about how you want to speak it and see it, however, that was for you to see and hear. Speaking your goals and dreams to your current circle may not turn out the way you had planned. Remember that whole point about you being “fake” or “too good”? Yea, well that doesn’t just go away because you’ve decided to make a change for the better. Understand that if those in your circle aren’t supportive initially toward your goals, they won’t magically come over to your side because you want them to. They will likely do what they can to keep you in your box. That could be through them attempting to get you to continue down the path you’re already on by tempting you with your old habits. This could also be through attempting to shut you out of your peer network or clowning you for having goals. The most effective move is a quiet move because it’s unexpected and does not allow anyone the opportunity to prepare a defense. If you go screaming your intent to change to other too soon, it gives those who oppose you the opportunity to prepare a defense that could possibly lead to you being right back in the box that they want to keep you in.
CHANGE YOUR CIRCLE: Eventually you will need to change your circle. That may or may not entail you cutting some people off (that part is a personal choice). Begin to surround yourself with goal driven individuals. So many times I hear people state that they want to be around “like-minded” individuals. I have no desire to surround myself with “like-minded” because I don’t see how I can grow if we’re thinking alike. I want to surround myself with driven, goal-oriented individuals. I would want/need our goals to align, however, we can’t think just alike because then one of us is unnecessary. I know my strengths and I know my weaknesses. I surround myself with individuals who are strong in my weaknesses so that I can learn and grow. I surround myself with people I can call for help in an area I’m unfamiliar with. If we’re all on the same level, then what can I aspire to? I want mentors and peers…not just peers. As you begin to work toward your vision, your circle will change. It may grow, it may shrink, and it may grow again. Be flexible to the change because that will make you flexible to growth. You can’t mold rock solid clay. It must be flexible in order for the potter to mold it.
BE UNCOMFORTABLE: One of the hardest things to do in order to grow is to get comfortable with being uncomfortable. Understand that it is/was your comfort that allowed you to remain in the position you’ve been in for so long. We know what to expect. We may not like the way things are, but this is known. The fear of the unknown kept us in this position for so long. Why not step outside of your box and get uncomfortable in order to achieve greatness? I moved to VA almost 8 years ago, and it was the MOST uncomfortable thing I had ever done in my life. I left my family and my friends to move to a state where I knew NO ONE! I knew I needed a change because I found myself falling into a cycle of nothingness. I grew up wanting to be a lawyer, but after receiving my bachelor’s degree, I was doing nothing to pursue this. I knew I needed a fresh start outside of my comfort zone to push me to achieve. Now, I just recently completed my PhD (yes, my vision changed), I’ve self-employed for the last 3 years (another uncomfortable position as I quit my job on faith alone), and will open my own practice at the start of the new year. I’ve been knocked down along the way. I’ve shed a ridiculous amount of tears simply because I was “uncomfortable”, and I’ve even questioned my faith along the way. My circle changed numerous times throughout the process, and I’m sure it will continue to shift. However, if there was one thing I learned, NONE of my achievements would have been possible had I decided to remain “comfortable”.

Take the necessary steps to break out of your box!

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